Friday, September 21, 2012

ask!

I have a hard to time asking for things.

I blame it on how I grew up. My family and I didn't have a lot when I was younger. While families ate out at nice restaurants and kids came to school wearing the lastest trends, we were forced to be content with what we had. Our idea of a "fancy" restaurant was Sizzlers, we had the same clothes for years until we out-grew them (or received hand-me-downs from family, but they were outdated for our tastes), and we only got toys when it was Christmas and Easter. So when it came to asking my parents for Roxy-related clothes, money to hang out with friends, or even for a Tamagotchi (some of you may be too young to remember this), the answer was always "No." That was for the first 15 years of my life. I learned quickly that whenever I asked for something that required spending money, the answer was "No."

That transitioned into the way I socialized with people (and even now at times). Whenever I needed something or needed a question answered, I was too afraid to ask because I didn't want to be an annoyance to anyone.

It also transitioned to how I view God. I was too afraid to ask Him for anything. I didn't want to ask God for "petty" things (especially if He had bigger problems to answer). I also was too afraid to ask Him, knowing that I wouldn't be happy to hear what He had to say.

I think that's why I've been stuck. I've been in the same place for the past couple of years. My relationship with God has been stale for a while. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I expect Him to show up; I expect Him to change me; I expect Him to do all the hard work and then I receive the reward at the end of it.

What I'm learning on a day-to-day basis is that following God requires a lot of faith. I can easily get caught up with my routines at work, home, and everything else. I can breeze through life every day without realizing God working in my life. There have been days that I've been frustrated, annoyed, alone, and even numb. And there have also been days where I don't think about God at all (yikes). It's faith that pushes me to rely on God , that forces me to break down walls I've created, and that requires patience and courage on my end.

Where is my faith? The same faith that got me through college? The same faith that led me to and from Mozambique safely? The same faith that brought me out of a place of darkness and loneliness? The same faith that led me to where I am at now?

I tell you, I haven't been living a life faithfully following God. I've been caught up with this world's desires and materialism...they're immediate fillers to the emptiness in my life. It's an unhealthy cycle I've created in my life; whenever I feel empty, I find the nearest and easiest tangible thing, instead of being filled up by God. Whenever a problem arises, I try to solve it myself instead of giving it to God. Whenever I get angry and irritated, I keep it to myself instead of talking it out with God. Whenever I needed an answer, I look to the place that is the farthest away from God.

See the pattern?

I tend to ignore God...a lot. And it's usually during a breaking point or out of guilt that I realize what I've been missing.

When I went to Third Wednesday this past week, I wasn't expecting anything to happen. If anything, it was just a time during the week for me to take my mind off of work, be in fellowship with my life group and church members, and to worship. But God showed up, and He called me out. This verse was repeated that night: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matt. 7:7). I realized my life is worthless and meaningless if I don't allow God's guidance in my life. I wasn't being honest to Him or myself. That night, I let my guard down, I allowed the tears to roll down my cheeks, and I told God I was sorry and asked Him, "Where do you want me to be?"

For the first time in a long time, I prayed an honest prayer to God. None of that frou frou stuff or "God, I know you know what's best for me...blah." I've prayed those kind of prayers before, and to be quite honest, my heart wasn't in it. I would pray just to pray, because I knew that I was suppose to do that, to say something to God. But as I was I praying that night, I just told God the truth: "I don't know what I'm doing." And from there on, I just had an honest conversation with Him. Told Him my worries...how lost I was...questions about the future...my disappointments (in Him and in myself).

I don't know where God wants me to be. Clearly, He wants me to be here...but I have no idea where next. And I don't need to know....and I need to OK with that. He'll open the opportunities when it's His timing. I just need to live in the "Now." Now is where He has me; Now is where he wants me to be with people; Now is where I need to pursue an intimate relationship with Him. Because if I miss out on the Now,I'm missing the point

A perfect illustration of this was told to me by someone who prayed for me that night. We often compare God to a light switch; we expect Him to show us everything that is in sight. Instead, God is like a lamp at our feet; He'll only show us what we need to see.





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